HAPPY NEW YEAR?

i miss you

Your love is like quicksand

Slipping through my fingers

Can you please stand still?

Am I not enough to linger?

I need you like Advil

I gave you everything about me

And I will continue

Even though you can’t see

You give nothing, at all

This is meant to be for two

Why do I feel so alone?

Did I do something to you?

Do I need to atone?

Equal love and equal hearts

Isn’t that how it’s meant to be?

Cause you’re not putting in half

And it’s always left to me

More stupid lyrics

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence, that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called

And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all

It almost feels like a joke to play out the part, when you are not the starring role in someone else heart. You know id rather walk alone than play a supporting role
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B7y4dTiqls

what happened to selflessness?

depressed

A sonnet to yourself:

Your hands they keep on shaking

Your belly keeps on growing

Your headache never fading

What kills you is not knowing

To yourself you keep on hating

Your guilty past consuming

Your dreams slowly sedating

Your hopeless future looming

mountian

You are rain to me

Sweet and warm on my skin

I’m ever craving your presence

So I can soak in your haze, soap buds amidst

But like the clouds ever passing

You come and go without asking

How can I keep up with your heaven sent waves

When with you I’m alive and when you’re gone I die

I crave the monsoon and I fear the drought

Which is actually a constant flow of ice and snow

What happens if when you’re gliding on white,

I lose myself? What happens if I go?

What happens if you find another girl

Or if she steals your heart,

I cant defend you against broken bones and

I cant see kisses in the dark

this is personal

My lashes keep falling, falling to the floor

My eyes are bruised red, drooping, and sore

My brain keeps drifting, needing, wanting more

My dreams ever haunting, soaking in my pores

My mouth continuous whispers of sighs and moans

My soul it keeps searching, for what? That is unknown

My mother keeps on fixing, things that are not broken

Criticizing, judging, taking words from me unspoken

My father he keeps lying, hiding the ugly truth

Anger, jealousy, hatred. Just another quick fuse

My brother is a vessel on the verge of an explosion

Confused between unsolved, disruptive emotions

My sister has already left me and grown up too fast

Dependent on a love, a love too unsurpassed

I’m torn between parents, between thoughts, between feelings

I’m sworn to love and myself, which always seem to be leaving.

What do I do to heal? Where do I go to mend?
Cause at this point all I seem to know

Is that heaven is a fairytale and the devil is my friend. 

blah blah blah

Engulf me in your arms so deep that the words I cannot speak are open and surfacing beyond my memories ocean deep. Chaos filled thoughts, a swaying darkness, a sadness so beautiful that it lights a stairway to heaven upon a silvery tide. 

havent seen you in a while

As the old leave the old enter, but at least this antique is of value.

twinkle twinkle litte star

Move me beneath the moonlight, under the stars lets shine. Hold my hand, kiss me softly. Dream with me aloud and ever so quietly.  Huddled under your denim jacket as we share a cigarette on a road. Let our minds become a wondrous trail for the scared and the unknown. Let us be a mystery that others seek to find. Let us be one as others loose themselves in the search for someone.

cinnamon cigerettes

I’m craving you like a cigarette.  I need to breathe you in and bask in your sweet smoke.

I’m drowning in you like cinnamon rum and a warm b

athtub. I need you to touch me as I soak.

well fuck

Her curves of soft flesh and bruised scars, warm blood and hot hands. Her breath quickens as she unbuttons her pink pajamas. A pearl though impure, scared and used she wishes to feel clean for you. Lips parted with words unsaid, head spinning through thoughts misread. She moves towards you with an uneasy grace and insecure smile on a delicate face. Tired eyes and dry mouths, awake and wet. Needing and craving for the tingling and sweet pain you give her. As you move in her she whispers and moans, in her sleep she mutters and groans. “Touch me, feel me, breathe me, move me, hold me, save me”

Why is it that after several hours of sleep I wake up even more fatigued. 

for the millionth time we are done, dont cry

Sweet content from an evil thought, a sugary sin that makes my smile snide and mouth watery. Your words like candy, tears like chocolate. I crave more. Your failed attempts of guilt tripping and pity placing taste like honey, hunny. Try again, I dare you. 

show me the way

You conflict me confuse me, there is a dark contemplation within me, a deviant. Breath, skin, touch, a powerful lust. A consumption of purity, an eagerness to please, an angel waiting for the fuck

please don't leave

Your breath meets mine in a comfortable silence that protects my body and embraces my mind. Your touch firm around my waist but skin soft and delicate like lace. I burrow further into your body, into your chest and I kiss your heart slowly and gently so you don’t skip a beat. Your eyes big your moan soft. I worry about you but worry more about what you could do to me. I’ve become addicted, dependent on you. Your touch like a drug, and baby I need a hit before I fade. You’re my light, my life-line and I’m scared once you realise this truth, instead of holding me tighter you’ll just run faster.

panic attack

Alone and cold, I imagine your arms though non- existent, around my body, warming my frame until I can close my eyes safely and breathe once more, I hesitate to move in case my imagination slips distracted and once again I’m frozen like a lone, cold death wish. This silence cuts me so deep that blood is not bled and just like a waking nightmare I cannot find voice

to scream.

ocean

And it moves me like arms of water, waves of darkness.

i don't know

Family she asks, where can I find one?

You have one they say. Your home.

They’re fake she says, I’m lost and alone

Lend me some. An unbroken dad and a mum

Honesty she asks, where can I find truth?

What is honesty they say. I don’t know the word truth

I think you can find it if you look hard enough she says

Within the sun and the moon

 

Love she asks, where can I find compassion?

Love they say, its hatred with another name

I keep searching for it she says, within your sons

But I’ve either lost or failed at that game.

Happiness she asks, what is joy?

Its when you don’t feel sad they said

But what is sadness she asks, is that a feeling too?

Its when you can’t get out of bed, when there’s a darkness in your head.

What is religion she asks, who do I trust?

Religion is something that gives us hope, its all the same.

They say choose a religion I must

But aren’t I just choosing something to blame

The world, what is this universe?

That question cannot be answered they say

Is it hell, heaven, a dream or just another verse?

Life’s poem is confusing they told me, ‘but you’ll get to the end one day.’ 

a deep awakening

Breathing through scattered sobs

Beating to an inconsistent march

Spinning with violent thoughts

Waiting for a silence to calm the heart

Take your pills, eat, sleep and smile

Headphones in to overthrow the white noise

Let the world stop swaying for a while

All the pathetic girls and immature boys

Hands are shaking through words unsaid

Sinking stomachs and a sinking voice

Heart is stabbed through words unshed

Too numb to cry, she makes a stupid choice

Too want it all to end.

A darkness so bright and peaceful.

A soul too damaged to mend.

Lend a hand to a quiet so beautiful.

And she sleeps and sleeps

And she dreams and dreams

Because even her worst nightmares are better than reality.

True love doesn’t exist. It’s impossible to find someone that would put your needs before theirs. The world is too selfish men are dumb and woman are insecure. The only person you can trust and rely on is yourself. And what if yourself isn’t strong enough what if you can’t rely on something fragile and broken… well that’s what I’m figuring out and at the moment. I feel like I’m falling so deep and the last hand to grip me to safety isn’t strong enough to hold me up. But how would I know because that means the human belonging to the hand would want to help me and at the moment I can see them walking away.